Short Story Summer
Sorry John Mayer, I’m No Longer Waiting on the World To Change
I’m about to wrap up my first game, and I already want to do a postmortem. This did not go well. I’ve learned a bunch, but I’m finding the problem with coding is that you can do things the wrong way and have it work. Unlike plumbing or cooking or just about anything else. If the game calls for certain things in a certain way, you can take any path you want to get there—even at the expense of things once thought to be working correctly.
I am so mad at my ladders. They are ass. Complete shit. Hard to use, easy to break, and genuinely not as good as the game they are based on. I’ve recently been playing Chained Together, and they simply made their ladders a climbable wall that plays the standard ledge climb animation. Who gives a shit if they aren’t grabbing the rungs of the ladder? It feels intuitive to use. My ladders feel like trying to cross a plank in an adventure game, and they give you a balance meter as they do it—not to challenge the user, but because climbing is a challenge in itself.
But they do work. They are functional enough that you can play a round of my game and be able to interact with them in the way I’ve more or less intended. But there are so many better ways of doing it. Splines, Chained Together methods, or a dozen others. So in a way, despite the fact that I’ve learned which path to take in the future, I spent a shitload of time doing something partially wrong. Which does have a negative effect on my momentum. And one thing I’m learning is momentum is huge.
The momentum I have with my learning is my best asset. I can’t deny that it feels great to know how to put together a simple UI, and how much more competent I’ve become with C++. These are small things that took far less time than dealing with that fucking ladder and make me enjoy the work way more. That is why my next course is going to focus on blueprint work. I do not deny that C++ is better to use and learn, because it teaches me a programming language, but also programming principles that are applicable in other engines and other industries. But I also can’t deny that working with C++ is costing me a ton of time at a point where every minute of free time is precious to me.
Life is not getting easier. Moving has been stressful. Work has been the same depressing slog as it has for the last five years. The sorrow of the past few months has given way to an intense fear. Again, I don’t want to make this a depressing devlog, but I’ve had to start meditating because of the anxiety and panic that is constantly in my life. What I wouldn’t give to have some breathing room. The amount of peace that even two thousand dollars would bring would be incredible. At the start of the year, I had savings. I was going to quit my job to reclaim my mental health and look for something I didn’t hate. A surgery and a rent increase later, I just look at my two weeks notice in my outbox, short and sweet, and regret my inability to send it.
It’s honestly worse now that people watch the videos. Everyone is so nice and supportive. It feels fake that I have a little community who not only watches my work, but gives helpful solutions and advice. I also get motivation from the other people letting me know they’ve started their own journeys to change their lives. There used to be a fear of solitude that came with leaving my job. It’s still there, as internet comments are not the loving support of my girlfriend. But now I know that even if I lost my job, my girlfriend, my ability to do things like go to friends’ weddings (incredible money sink), and had to move back in with my mom at 30, I wouldn’t be without people offering support. I know they were always there in the form of friends and family, and I will always prioritize my reallife friends over comments. But to say those same internet comments do not have a validating effect on life decisions would be a lie. And for that, I am thankful.
So at the end of the month, I move from Northern Virginia to Philadelphia. A move a role model of mine, David Lynch, made when he was ten years younger than me. He had this to say about the city of brotherly love:
"I always say, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, is my biggest influence. There is something about the mood here. The fear, insanity, corruption, filth, despair, violence in the air was so beautiful to me."
My hope is that I can find the same inspiration. I only have one bro there, who I love and cherish, but he simply isn’t as interested in finding the same insanity, corruption, filth, and despair as I am. That’s not to say I’m living on Kensington Ave, but a retreat away from the world I know for fifteen months in a place that seems hostile to comfort is a great way to eliminate habits and gain the time to build new ones. My biggest one will be having a strict budget, alongside eating better and cheaper. I’m talking rice and beans piled. Build enough savings so that I can give myself six months of time to create, while also saving enough to put on a wedding somehow. Hence the removal of my friends and the reduction of my living expenses by moving to Philly.
Will any of this work? Most likely not. But my hope is that I can find another path forward with the momentum generated from this move that will at least help me find easiness. Find aloha. Find enough time to take a breath and read. I have the support of family, friends, and online strangers, which I smith into a pry bar to force open inner peace.
Now to talk about game news bullshit.
Is Xbox Joever?
No.
As my previous prediction of Xbox has proven correct, let me tell you how it’s going to go down. First, those mega studios are going to eat a bunch of shit. You no longer get ten million dollars and seven years for a AA game that doesn’t sell, like South of Midnight. Nor are you going to get one hundred million to make a demo like for Perfect Dark. People have been lamenting the overcosted bloatfest that causes modern studios to focus on microtransactions and infinite revenue to recover profits. This is why every game has skins. That is not to say Microsoft is some based chad trying to change game dev for the better. It’s just that you can’t say Microsoft has made nothing but ass for the last few years (outside of Bethesda) and then be like, “How dare they close these amazing studios!” Even Tango Softworks didn’t make its money back for spooky Tokyo game nor Jet Set Radio 3. Sega would still make Jet Set Radio if Jet Set Radio was popular enough to support a franchise.
I hate people losing their jobs. There is no “but” that makes it better. It is confusing to watch everyone enjoy these Xbox games eating shit because they hate Xbox, only to then become their most staunch defenders of the devs. Meanwhile, just about everything Xbox has been doing since announcing its games on PS5 has been pretty good, granted that is really just Bethesda being good. Elder Scrolls Remake is flames. Indiana Jones was great. Doom: Dark Ages was more Doom. South of Midnight was an unfun critical darling. Tony Hawk 4 seems to be Tony Hawk 4. What more do you want? To play a game called Everwild that you’ve never even seen? A Perfect Dark remake? Who is that for? The game came out twentyfive years ago and has been untouched since.
It sucks that this touched so many titles and so many people are affected. It is a shortsighted business decision to let that many people go instead of simply having less profit, and only a soulless corporation as big as Microsoft could do it. My hope is that they get a dummy thick severance and enough time to find something they like more. My hope for Microsoft is that they double down on Obsidian’s release structure with the studios they have left (leave Bethesda alone) and keep churning out AA games like Pentiment, Grounded, and even Avowed (if you’re into that sort of thing). I believe that is the only hope of seeing dormant IP like Spyro and Crash come back. Or getting another Crackdown.
Some people may ask the difference between wanting Spyro back compared to the girl from Perfect Dark. Or how is this different than wanting a Jet Set Radio spiritual successor? To which I will say, the last Spyro game came out seven years ago, not twentyfive, and wouldn’t cost one hundred million to make. Instead, they could make smaller, tighter games and release them on faster paces, with less risk due to only needing to get a certain number of players on Game Pass and make up the rest with sales across all consoles. Something even Sony will be doing. Horizon will come to Switch, and everyone will be like “such a smart move, Sony doesn’t compete with Nintendo,” not realizing that this means Sony now also releases its games on every platform after an exclusivity window, since computers run on Windows, and according to Sarah Bond, “Windows 11 is the future home of gaming.” No one will say this is the end for Sony. No one will worry about PS5s no longer being made. Nor will they celebrate the slow death of console exclusives (minus Nintendo). A company so anticonsumer they make Disney look like Mickey Mouse.
We have just passed the home video era for gaming and entered the streaming era. It will be an absolute gold rush for the right games. But big AAA games, while still good investments for the five studios that can pull them off, are not the right games.
Dark Days in Springtime, and What is Next?
I’ve been caught my monsters of my own creation.
I am writing this because I want to change. I’m writing this because I can take a week-long vacation, filled with memories, family, and friends, yet still feel that there is no hope that things are going to be okay.
I haven’t posted because I needed a break. This past week, I found out I didn’t get the job I interviewed for. There was a dream of weekends off work and enough money to continue on with my slightly above average quality of life, and that dream is gone. I know there is still hope of that life, but fuck man. I want out so bad. Working two jobs is absolutely miserable. It would be one thing if I felt like I was thriving, but I’m not. I feel like death. I know that the correct move is to channel the sorrow and pain I feel into movement; to use the anxiety of being a 30-year-old piece of shit at a dead-end job he hates to propel my next steps from behind me, instead of stopping me in my tracks from the front. But that is easier written than accomplished.
So what is next for the project?
Ease.
When I say Ease I mean the path of least resistance. After I finish my course, I’m going to make an insanely simple game using the project so far as a template. The game will have:
A meter that fills as enemies populate a set zone in the level, when the meter is filled, game over.
Use a HUD interface
Possible use of progress bar element
Create a counter of enemies that increases when one finishes climbing the ladder, and decreases on enemy death
Ladders that the enemies climb, and can be knocked down by the player
Need to find a tutorial
Need Climbing animations
Need kicking animations
A basic, -1 -2 -3 combo/attack animation
Edit current attack Montage
Break up Combo animation from mixamo
Timer that starts after the attack function triggers, that players the 2nd part of the montage only if the timer still has time, do the same for the third
Attacks stop enemy attacks
Find a Parry of Block animation
An enemy with a shield that breaks with 1 heavy attack, or 3 small attacks
Find a Shield Block Animation
Create a “Shield” child of the weapon class
give it a shield health int set to three
Add variables to heavy attack and attack called, “shield damage,” for heavy set it to three, for attack, set it to one.
When shield health reaches zero, swap in geometry collection in the weapon location, and destroy it.
Create a Start Menu
Play
Exit
Pause
Save
Load
This is it. I do not want feature creep. I do not want to spend my entire life working on this game. I do know I need at least something in my portfolio.
Nor do I think that I am capable of making anything that could support myself, even as an indie dev. The goal is still to get a job with a legit-ass company who can get me health care and enough on-paper coding experience that I could retire with a job doing IT for whatever locality I end up in. I’m going to quit my second job and make this my second job. Turns out I’m literally not strong enough to have three jobs, and that teaching myself to code isn’t something I’m going to be able to do half-ass. Because before the job, I will ideally have a sense of competence towards a skill that should increase my satisfaction with myself.
The reason I make so many posts talking about my lack of satisfaction with myself is that I want you, the reader, to hopefully be able to see that there are moments of doubt in everyone. In fact, it’s pretty much all doubt, at least for me. That faith in oneself or others is never flawless, despite how glossy or how edited the highlight reels are. If I do make it out of the rat race, then I want people to know that the uncertainty is a part of it. That anyone who claims they never doubted is a fucking liar. Regardless of how successful they are.
Positive Devlog
It's nice to be able to give a good update.
In a week or so, I will be finished with my unreal engine course. It took way longer than I thought. But I am proud of the work I've done so far. The question now is, what is next? There is so much I've learned, but even more that I still need to implement. For instance, one of my goals with this course was being able to have a game with a menu screen. Learning how to do things like load saves, and make checkpoints. Which this course didn't cover at all.
From what I gather, to get a job, I need four years worth of programming experience, several projects that are shippable with their code posted on github, and then something “masters level” , basically a mechanic that I think of and implement, which you could build an entire game around. I'm ⅛ of the way there, which seems daunting, but at least I'm making progress. So what should I do next? How do I get myself up to the point of being a master level programmer?
My thought is to stick with the druid mechanics courses, as I like the teacher. There is a larger top down rpg course that I could take. But I'm not interested in making a top down rpg. But does interest matter? If I was in school, I would have to program a bunch of things that I am not interested in. Afterall, this course does go over things like checkpoints, saves, and creating a start screen. Key things I'll need to learn if I ever want to make a shippable game. But that is three times as long as the course I just completed, and that will be a huge effort.
My plan was to follow another course from Druid Mechanics. A free one on youtube that taught devs how to add a bow and arrow to their third person character. I originally thought that was good next step, as building a third person shooter/bow mechanic would be good to add to the portfolio. It also would be way faster (4 hours compared to 140 hours). But is doing things because they will be easier and faster, a good idea?
I'm still undecided, but I'm leaning towards the top down rpg course, as learning about things like leveling up and basically damage/armour mechanics, would go a long way across all types of games. Where as a bow is just a bow.
But either way, progress is progress, and we are making progress, fuck yeah.
Doomer Rant
Now for my thoughts on the doomer state of the world. Shit is so fucked, so fucked. Not only is the economy heading towards a recession. But the switch 2 had to cancel pre orders because tariffs are about to be so high, no one will buy it! Which I think has less to do with the tariffs themselves, rather than the “winner” and “loser” mentalities that Nintendo alternates its console launches with. Nintendo has been in win mode since they realized they don’t need to try with Pokemon.
To me, the truth is that games are horribly undervalued, but Nintendo specifically overcharges for the vast majority of their games. I don't think many people have a problem with the switch at 449$ (despite it being expensive) because they know it is a great piece of gear. Nor would they complain (as much) about a new, mainline, Zelda game being priced at 80/90$. Because a game as good as Tears of the Kingdom is worth around that much(to some). As are most AAA bangers (elden ring, cyberpunk, etc.) because great AAA games are a great value to the consumer, due to their long run times and incredible production quality.
So is Mario kart a AAA banger? Not in the past. Sure it may be the game that sells the most, has the most play time, and according to all of Nintendo’s metrics, be a game people are willing to spend 90$ (or more due to tariffs) on. But it remains to be seen if it has the sheer amount of gameplay needed to justify the new AAAA tier that games are hurtling towards. Yes, GTA 6 can charge 100$. Because GTA six will be big enough to basically have Mario kart inside of it.
Where this NintenGap is really apparent is with Kirby. Kirby is not a AAA franchise. It has never been. It's been a side scroller saved for Nintendo's portable consoles, with a few rare spin offs on main consoles. Kirby in the Forgotten Kingdom should have been 40$. Instead it launched at 60$, and everyone online yanks their pizza over the unique and interesting ideas that Nintendo implements in a game made for children. I love Dunkey as a reviewer, but when you remove price from the equation (as he does), you start to lose track of the value of games like Kirby. A value that has gotten so out of whack, the switch 2 version costs as much as Tears of the Kingdom Switch 2 version. That just doesn't make sense when you compare the size of the games, and I doubt it makes sense when you compare the development cost of both games as well.
A game like factorio can, and should, raise its price to match inflation. Games like GTA 6, Cyberpunk 2, Elder Scrolls 6, and other God tiers can charge 100$ if they wish. But then everyone needs to agree that Yakuza never goes past 60$, and Sonic goes down to 40$. Avowed should be 40$. Astro Bot, 20$. Games like FIFA should be free to play. If a game charges you anywhere north of 60$ it needs to be unimpeachable. You really want to play Dragon’s Dogma 3 at 100$? At least with a rockstar game, it will run decent at launch. If you played an admittedly amazing and large game like Cyberpunk at launch, you would be so dissatisfied with your 100$ purchase.
But this brings us to the next portion of the discussion, is the switch 2 going to be as powerful as a PS5 pro? No, it's not. So Everytime you look at a game advertising itself as 4k, or see specs that the screen is 120 hz, do not believe it’s lies. “Most games will have a 40 fps mode,” or “this is when Nintendo finally gives third party devs the power they need.” Please know it is a lie. All of it.
To start, 4k 60 fps does not exist. I mean, factually it does. There are maybe 4 or 5 games that are well built enough to hit those parameters, and PCs powerful enough to do it. But the vast majority of games today aren't 4k. Especially on consoles. Nintendo has never chased graphics and they won't start now. I bet they will bring their benchmarks up from 30 fps to 40 fps for some games, but don't get it twisted, you are not getting the newest Mario kart in 4k 60fps. I will be shocked if it reliably runs 5 year old games like cyberpunk at 1080 fps without serious graphic limiters. Docked or undocked, Nintendo is never going to be at parity to modern consoles or PCs.
That is not to say this won't be worth it. Just that when Final Fantasy 7 gets announced, everyone understands that you are choosing portability or everything. That pokemon is still going to run like shit, and look like shit, because more power does not mean devs have an idea of how to use it. But do not fear, for none of this matters, a proved by the developers Panic Button. These guys have been churning out the good stuff on underpowered consoles for years now. They have shown you can play amazing third party experiences on underpowered consoles (which the switch 2 actively is, and will only get worse with the next generation). It has nothing to do with power, just about how you use the power you have, and the switch two will be able to give you a great cyberpunk experience, just no where close to the mythical “4k 60fps,” or the more godly, “4k 120fps” that so many pc players allegedly play at.
So where does this leave everything? It is a weird spot, as the switch 2 is just too expensive across the board, and is actively lying to consumers about the experiences that they will have out of the box. It will be supported by third parties for about 2 years before it can no longer keep up with modern specs. Gamers will claim it's okay that Nintendo does whatever Nintendo wants because only Nintendo can make something as magical as a Nintendo game, and they may even be right. But it does not change the fact that valuation of games is way off. Games like 1-2 Switch, the switch2 tech demo, and the wheelchair game should be free. Games like Mario kart should be 60$, alongside Kirby. Then Nintendo can charge whatever they want for DuskBlood, as that actually might be worth 90$.
But please do not think you are supporting devs by buying this overpriced and over valued piece of tech. The keyboard warriors who love to jump out of the woods and fight for Nintendo charging 90$ a game “because games were more expensive in the 90s due to inflation,” are straight up bad people. They do not care that greedy pricing strategies have hurt the industry as a whole. I sincerely wish them the worst, because they are the same people who will keep on buying pokemon, even though it's never been shittier. They are the same people who think Kirby should cost 80$ because they are more obsessed with IP than the product itself.
I have no caps lock, and I must scream.
I believe screaming is good for you. Go on, try it. When you read the next dot, screaming as loud as you can,
.
See? Didn't that feel good? Don't you feel just reset to your baseline? It shakes the heart in a way that should be mandated at schools, so that children learn the benefits for daily screaming. For me it forces our emotions and feelings I didn't even know I had. In the way sadness lumps in your throat when you talk about someone you didn't know you still missed.
I am missing a momentum. I have not gotten my movement to work. What's more, the diagnosis I conduct to find the problem, only brings about more problems. That alone is scream worthy, but what is a nice kicker, is that my impacted wisdom tooth has recently decided to erupt. It's so tight, I love waking up with blood in my mouth and pain in my jaw. The only thing I cherish more is talking with doctors and insurance companies, just to find out that I am a complete retard for even asking questions.I should have gotten this done years ago, and deserve the pain. Fair enough, I can see their points. I've never been able to get ahead of the curve, and for that, I need to be punished, whether it is through a stalling of my personal progres, or classically punished via the cruelty of the human body having too many teeth.
It's not unlike this new (to me) phenomenon of version control for my game.This is basically just figuring out how to put out a stable build and save it, so that when you fuck up and break everything, you can go back to working point. I wish I had done that more than I wish I removed this tooth when I was 18. When I can't get further with coding, everything in my life becomes stuck. Which flies in the face of the reason I started coding: to get unstuck. I need to hunker down and try to solve the problem. I've already gone back a bit, and just recently found I'll need to go back even further. It's demoralizing, and it makes the pressure on my overgrown gums expand to the rest of my jaw. Bubbling up into my eyes and my brain.
You can find some sympathy in that pain, people love to talk about what you should do. Or what you should have done a long time ago. Just do not expect them to help you do it.
So this week I must help myself. I have no other choice, I must advance at any cost. I got to do things I don't want to do. I have to go back even further. Wake up even earlier, swallow whatever pain may follow. So for the next 3 days I’m going to post on my channel at 5 when I wake up, to serve a covenant with you, reader and viewer. A promise that I’m working my ass off to get this right.
I’m Tired, Boss
It all begins with an idea.
I’m writing this because I feel I owe the internet an explanation for why I didn’t upload any videos in the last three days. A sentence I would have thought I was crazy for writing a year ago, and still sounds insane as I write it. There is no god of the algorithm that my prayers of woe and contrition will hear. No angels or saints to save me for obscurity and toil, because I do not need saving. In theory, things are great. None of this matters and everything will be okay.
So congratulations to diamonds that are still reading. You are owed an explanation: I have two jobs. Not “gamedev and youtuber” but Butcher and Software Salesmen. I’m not going to call Gamedev a job yet, cause it doesn’t make me dick for money, and as a result I need to prioritize the big stuff. It’s this prioritization that has cause me to not post.
Normally I can do it all. I’ve posted through vacations, funerals, and holidays, all within my first 100 days. But your family crisis won’t wait until you're ready. Your girlfriend may be okay with you working, but she will be lonely when you are at work. You can lie to yourself and say you aren’t tired. You’d love to see the movie, write the letter of recommendation, and find the time to call your dad once a week. You can do it all too, if you are strong enough. All it takes is a rigid routine and keeping your head down.
But within the rigidity of the routine, you lose the compassion that flexibility allows you. You aren’t crazy, you really do have that little time in the day, and everyone is wasting it. You will get mad when food you are bringing home after work takes 30 minutes to get ready. But what a horrible thing to get mad about?
It used to be these moments that didn’t matter, because there was always more free time. But now you KNOW that it matters. What is worse, you are the only one with the frame of reference to understand why each free moment matters. No one cares that because your dinner is late, you will have less time to sleep, because you need to stick to your rigid schedule and post.
I could have posted these last three days. I absolutely could have. I could have woken up 2 hours earlier before my shift at the butcher and coded then. I could have made a video on the progress I’ve made after my butcher shift Saturday. Or Sunday after the game, I could have kissed my girlfriend good night and stayed up to post a video for the same algorithm gods I’m writing to now. But I didn’t, cause I valued those few extra hours of sleep or food or freedom.
The annoying thing is, I’m probably wrong. Posting on those days would have helped me reach my goals far more than sleep would’ve. Sleep just made me slightly happy in the short term. I felt like I needed it at the moment, but now I’m writing this instead of working on more coding. I spend so much time with my head down focusing on the routine that I don’t see the light or why I’m working so hard in the first place.
But excuses don't matter to you, or anyone. Instead, I now offer hope. On Sunday, February 9th, 2025: I’m going to have a day off work. I am elated and have plans to hang with my bros all morning. I’m going to do all the cooking for the big game the day before, and clean the shit out of my house. That Saturday night I’m going to crack into Kingdom Come Deliverance II.
Only 11 more days off work to get there, and there will be a post for every single one of them.